On Becoming an Ajumma

There are obvious signs of aging, like needing to color my hair that I accept in strides. But when I become obsessed with a new Korean Drama, Boys Before Flowers, I am a bit alarmed, for it is a well know fact that the Ajummas are the force behind the Korean Drama Wave.

First, I watched it on YouTube, then I download the drama, finally I pre-ordered the official DVD . Heck, I even bought the sound track because of this particular song

Scott wants to know what I see in Jihoo Sunbae, aka "the red hair boy" in my house. "I can break him in half he is so thin, and he looks like a girl!"

Ignore Scott, and continue watching the drama...

Scott now really worried, "do we have to go on a Korean Drama tour like Aunt Judy and Aunt Gloria next year?"

Mental Image of " me, Scott, three turnip heads, and my parents hiding in the alley waiting for autograph"...has some appeal.

Update

It's been a long time since my last entry. I stopped when we decided not to continue with our second adoption. Since the blog was started for that purpose, it feels sad to visit it when we won't be getting a baby after all. The reasons for our decision all sound kind of trivial and hollow when alliterate . The changing climax of international adoption has a lot to do with it. It was just not meant to be. God's will.

I am sort of in a slump now, not quit knowing where to re direct my energy. The children seem out of control except when they are under someone else care. I am not quite sure what to do with baby sitting arrangement with the kids in school, one until 2:45, one get out at 11:30, and one goes only three days a week. Currently we have three baby sitters, one during the day (also suppose to clean etc.), and two rotating ones for week nights because Scott and I both take call. I have reluctantly come to the realization that ultimately, nobody wants to take care of other people's children or clean their houses (it's not as terrible as it sounds, heck, I don't want to clean my own house even if Scott pays me). It's just a job, and the less they do, the better it is for them. Scott says that I need to give specific instructions as to what needs to be done. I find that so difficult to be nearly impossible. It's not that I don't know what needs to be done. I just can't bring myself to give orders. It's gotten so that I pack the boys their lunch even though they eat at home, just to make sure that they eat what I prepared, instead of being taken out for fast food. It's all much easier in the hospital. I write my orders, and a system is in place to see that the orders are carried out, otherwise, "the system" is in place to "take care of it" without me having to confront anybody directly. On the rare occasion that I complaint...meetings are arranged, apologies offered, and some attempts at changes are made... well I didn't say it is perfect...

I thought of changing the blog to a food/bento blog. There's only one problem. The kids just want to have PBJ, and chicken mcnuggets. List of acceptable food is short: cereal, macaroni and cheese from a box, Chinese instant noodle, chocolate milk. Baby drinks more milk than a calf. They love Pizza Wednesdays at school. They would each gulf down two adult size pieces plus dessert, no problem. In the mean time, I am churning out enough baked goods for a small bakery, and making multi layered bento boxes. I would not go so far as to say that Motherhood is not rewarding, but a simple positive feed back loop it is not.


I also find it difficult to reconcile the priorities that preschool and kindergarten demand with my work schedule. Kindergarten craft duty, lunch service duty, field trips to apple orchard, Halloween parties are all smack in the middle of a work day. It's not that I don't want to spend time with my children or be involved with their education. I insist on dropping them off myself every morning, which means I start my rounds an hour later than is typical. While that does not seem like a big deal, it is if you are waiting to be taken of the ventilator, or worse yet, need to be put on one. But, I do feel that the entire preschool/kindergarten curriculum is not designed with working parents in mind, let alone one that intubate and resuscitate people for a living.

Enough venting, time to plan that Disney trip for next Spring. Did you know that you need to make dining reservations 6 months ahead of your day of arrival to get the restaurants and character meal that you want? To get a meal with Cindy at The Castle, you have to synchronize your phone call to the atomic clock at the exact time that they open their phone line for reservation on the exact day six months ahead of you day of arrival because so many people are making the reservation at the same time. It's crazy! If you have no idea what I am talking about, you are a better person than I am. To think, I use to be able to pack for a trip to Peru an hour ahead of my flight and bring only a small duffel bag for the whole two weeks!

How Heartless Are We

Scott and I practice medicine in La Porte county. We have only one neurosurgeon in the entire county. He also serves Porter county. He takes call for himself every day (and night), because well, there's just him. If a person happens to need a neurosurgeon traveling through our lake effect snow covered roads and gets hit by a truck, or because a person drinks too much champagne this New Year's Eve then falls and hits his head, he is it, any hour of the day (or night usually). He's been doing this for, give or take, 18 years.

A few days before Christmas, the OR scheduled was packed with no room to accommodate emergencies. Everyone wanted to get their elective surgery done before the year's end, because they have already paid the deductible for their health insurances. Scott called to say that he's going to be late coming home because his case was bumped two or three times and he won't be starting his case until 4:00 or 5:00 pm. (Scott, my seldom mentioned husband, is an orthopedic surgeon.) A couple of hours later, he called again and told me that he will be further delayed because he gave his time slot to the neurosurgeon at the last minute. Bellow was his conversation with the OR charge nurse, Dr. F, the neurosurgeon, and others.

Scott: say, why is Dr. F is looking grumpy? It's not like him.

OR nurse: well, he has to operate on a kid with a brain abscess today, and now he's going to miss his mother's funeral at six (6:00 pm)because his case keeps getting bumped. He says the abscess needs to be drained today.

Scott: speechless?!?!?!

Ran done the hall to stop them from wheeling his patient into the OR, asked his patient if he'll wait a few more hours so Dr.F can get to his mother's funeral. Patient had no problem waiting. Patient was a normal human being. Scott, thankfully, also was a normal human being.

Dr.F: Scott, you don't have to do this you know, it's not how the rules for the OR schedule work, you are entitled to go before me.

Scott: IT"S YOUR MOTHER"S FUNERAL!!!

Anesthesiologist (during Scott's operation): do you think the OR committee is going to review him bumping you?

Scott: I gave him the spot, it's not a bump.

Anesthesiologist: it's a bump according to the rules.

We thought anesthesiologist was half joking, but only half.

Me (after listening to Scott): You joke me, right!?!? (Chinese baby English comes out our my mouth when stressed.) Why he not ask someone earlier?

Scott: I no joke you, you English bye bye, need neurosurgeon? Drive to Chicago...Dr F at funeral.

Me (thinking some more about this): On the other hand, who else do you think would have let him "cut in line"?

Scott and I thinking very hard, eyes widening, hearts sinking...

Scott (hope rising): Dr.X would have offered to operate faster...?

Why DR. F felt he could not and should not ask his fellow surgeons to let him "cut in line", and drain a must be drained brain abscess, (in a kid no less), so he could attend his mother's funeral reflected his assessment of our medical community's character, ethics, and humanity, after having worked with these people for 18 years. I think he may have been "conservative" in his assessment, but well within the ball park in his estimation of the probability of his request being denied. It's long accepted that in the field of medicine, personal birthdays mean nothing, holidays mean working harder and longer hours on the days that follow, and maternity leave starts when one is having contraction's every ten minutes...no reason to not work because your mother just died. And the funeral? Dead people don't need emergency surgery, so not valid reason to bump another surgeon's elective surgery.

Are the other professions like us? Or are we just more jaded about death and dying? Or just jaded, period?

The Wrongful Birth

I have been reading about the Australian lesbian couple suing their fertility doctor because their IVF resulted in two instead of just one baby. I am pretty informed about the process involved in IVF, having been through it a few times myself, and read enough about it to pass a board exam. From the information available through the Internet, the case did not impress me as an unusual malpractice suit. Perhaps there was a procedural, or system flaw that resulted in an error. If an "error" occurred, it only occurred by the narrowest definition...the birth mother's informal verbal request at the last moment of a very long medical process which contradicted her explicit written consent. The error did not occur because the IVF protocol was not followed; the error occurred because the mothers involved behaved in an unexpected and exceptional manner, outside of the scope covered by the protocol. I am not sure how things work in Australia, (is IVF really publicly funded?), but these harassment suites happen all the time in the US, and the society at large absorbs the cost because, well, our society obviously feels that it's worth the cost...However, now that I have expressed my bias, rather than using this case as yet another excuse to bemoan the plights (of which there are many) of the modern physician (of which I am one), I think this case is very important because it focuses the general public's attention on the ethical controversies surrounding IVF.

Legal merits of the case aside, what was to have happened to the embryo had it (she) not been transfered? What should have happened to the embryo if it were not transferred? Would the hypothetical embryo who is now a real three year old agree with your answer? Who had the right to decide, you me, the public, these women, or the three year old who was then an embryo? Here are two women complaining, to the point of filing a law suite that, two human embryos that they chose to deliberately and artificially create because of their sexual orientation, were transferred instead of one, therefore, the accusation being, resulting in the birth and existence of their two, instead of one, daughters. As they are raising their two daughters today, they are able to state with unwavering conviction, that they were wronged and harmed because both of these two equally viable embryos were allowed to grow into little girls, when they, the parents, wanted just to allow for one. In other words, While proclaiming that they love and cherish their daughters equally they are suing for damages because one of them is not dead, literally. Dead, NOT does not exist mind you, because they were both already created at the time of the transfer.

Unlike most IVF patients with "extra" embryos, these women actually have the unique opportunity to know and love (?) the "embryos" they created but did not initially want. Yet, to this very day, they still actively wish for the destruction of one of these embryos so fiercely that they are suing for compensation. They, and their lawyer, claim with righteousness that they are "injured" because their doctor caused the continuing survival of both of their daughters instead of killing one off as they really had wanted. Am I the only one alarmed by these people's attitude? If they were indeed "wronged" by the system, would it have been more right for one of the little girls to have been destroyed as an embryo? Would that hypothetical little embryo who is now growing up to be a real woman not have been more "wronged" if it was indeed discarded? It is understandable for the rest of the world to feel impersonal and unattached to hypothetical embryos for the sake of ethical discussion, but when a specific embryo escaped the protocol and proved to the world that it too can be a real human being, we, the rest of the world should reconsider the fate of all the other embryos that were not so fortunate. These women who are suing should serve as a cautionary tale for the rest of us, reminding the world how easy it is for people to devalue human life when it serves their(?our) self interest to do so.

Regardless of what any one's philosophical definition of when human life begins, from the perspective of the embryo, it is as alive as it can be at it's every point in life until it dies, no more or less than what any one of us can claim. After insemination, a healthy embryo divides and grows at a predictable and known fashion until, in the case of IVF, it's transferred into the perspective mother's uterus, where it will hopefully implant and continue to develop and grow. Sometimes the embryo does not implant, and dies (hence the practice of transferring more than one embryo, IVF is not the exact science some people believe it to be). Sometimes, the embryo implants, grows in to a fetus, but dies before being born. Sometime, the embryo implants, grows into a fetus, then an infant, but dies as a baby, or a child, or an young adult. Sometime, the embryo gets to die as a 100 year old demented nursing home patient on the ventilator. Nobody can predict the exact fate of any particular human embryo. Should anyone, as an individual or as members of the human society have the right to condemn an embryo to death? If so, under what bases? The entitlement of the biologic parents? What about the sperm donor? He was more biologic then the birth mother's lesbian partner by definition.

As I said in the beginning, I went through IVF a couple of times myself, not to mention all the other stuff preceding IVF. Fortunately for us, because I never produce many eggs per cycle, all of the embryos in every cycle were transferred, none were purposely destroyed. All six of them were excellent quality embryos, though none of them "took". I had pictures of them, they could have been part of a baby book. I confess, I did not give ethical matters much thought at the time, I just wanted a baby. Now I am mother to three. I also have ultrasound pictures of my sons (who were conceived the old fashion way after my failed IVF cycles) starting just a few days after implantation, not all that much older than these "embryos" at the time of an IVF transfer. I had these ultrasounds because I was considered a very "high risk OB". I can not imagine looking at my children now and think for a moment that I could decide if they should or should not exist, or if they should have been destroyed at any point during their lives. Can any mother? (yes yes yes, these Australian moms can). In fact, knowing what I know now, if we happen to have had embryos left from our previous attempts at IVF, I would transfer them all, one at the time, and hope that they all live. Easy to say since we don't have to deal with that situation...to actually do that is probably not economically or medically feasible. Yet these "extra" embryos are created and destroyed daily by parents who would have loved them if they were the ones transferred.

I do not believe that IVF is unethical per say. I do think that the way it's currently conducted leads to regrets, not only for the parents, but for our entire society. For example, if this couple really only wanted one child, they could have asked for only one egg to be retrieved and inseminated. If the success rate of IVF then drops to economically or medically unacceptable levels, then the procedure should be abandoned until it can be further refined. I am not even sure if it is ethical to apply IVF or other assisted reproductive technology to people without medical problems but are doing so for "life-style" choices. After all, we do not transplant a new heart into someone who's heart is perfectly fine or do dialysis on people with functioning kidneys. Quoting Rita Panahi from News.com.au

Ethicists are up in arms at the prospect of an ever increasing number of women capable of conceiving naturally but who take advantage of IVF to avoid the involvement of a male partner in producing a child.

In Britain single women and lesbians are likely to become the largest group to have donor insemination. Latest figures show they made up 38 per cent of all treatments last year, an increase from 28 per cent in 2003 and 18 per cent in 1999.

In Australia there are almost 120,000 fertilised eggs ready for use by IVF patients. Based on current success rates this equates to 12,000 children.

Fears that these lives could be traded as just another commodity are only strengthened with cases such as this, where a monetary value is being sought for the artificial creation of a life that was superfluous to the needs of the parents.

Genetic technology when coupled with the reproductive technologies already available make it possible in the near future (if not now already) for us to engineer human beings at will. My fear is that when we manipulate human reproduction for our own convenience and benefit (as almost all human endeavors are), our future generations will be created in our own image instead of that of God. These future generations will no longer be God's children, and will not be human beings as we define human beings today. Is that how we are to end?

Luciano Pavarotti sings

In memory of Luciano Pavarotti

My favorite La Boheme recording is the one with Pavarotti and Freni by Decca.

Ama's birthday

Don't forget to click play at the bottom left!
The kids really miss her. The first weekend after Ama went back to LA, they ran upstairs to her room at my parents' house looking for her. Baby asked,"Achoi hide?"

Blogs and More..

I haven't posted in while, but it's not because I have lost interest in blogging. Far from it, in fact, I was busy checking out all the different blogging services and testing them out (while neglecting my children). It did not take long for me to decide that Wordpress is too user unfriendly for me. Took me a while to decide on Type Pad. I liked the increased options and flexibility, but really was not thrill to have to pay for it. Plus, it's not integrated with google's Picasa which I use. Fortunately, Apple announced the arrival of iLife 08 with much improved iPhoto and .mac. The new features will allow me to easily create a more complete website. I am waiting for my order from Apple to arrive to start on my project. I think I'll have a different page for each of my kids, a web gallery and a link to my blogger blog.

I am not too unhappy about the new iMac release, even though I just bought mine a few month ago. I really like the previous all white design and find the new metallic look too "cold". No real big changes in hardware other than the expected improvement with advancing time. I wish they come out with Leopard already! I want to do a clean install and really don't want to have to move too much data around. I really like computers.

Words to Live By

I was working on a post about being an Asian American or more specifically a Chinese American. After a a few days, I got bored. It's just not a problem or even much of an issue for me so what I wrote sounded contrived...as if I was having an academic argument for the argument's sake. Same as if I try to give people insights on how to loose weight. Even after gaining 40 plus pounds with my last pregnancy, I would only diet until the next meal. I still lost all the weight and some more in three months. I have no insight at all on weight loss because I never have to work much to lose weight. That certainly does not mean that obesity is not a problem, just not mine. Ditto for being a 1.5 generation Chinese American.

Fortunately for my blogging career I happened to chance upon the book "Words to Live By", a selection of C.S. Lewis's writings, at Borders today.

"for Scripture here cometh to our aide with this excellent reason, that we respect not what men merit of themselves but looke only upon God's image which they bear."

So often in the hospital , especially in the ICU, I question the value of my work. Many of my patients seem so "unworthy and irredeemable". So many of their illnesses stem directly from repeated self abuse and total disregard for the cost incurred to their families and society. Yet I and most of my colleagues carry on, repeatedly patching these people up just so they can return again in a few weeks. I have always thought that I do what I do because it's my job and I just want to do it well, and besides, it's business, I am just providing a service that I get paid for. Tonight, I am both humbled and inspired by that quote. I am reminded again of how important and powerful the influence of Christianity is on our society and how infrequently we give credit to the Bible.

Tomorrow is Sunday, we are taking our children to a new Chinese church close to my parents house so they can participate in Sunday school. If they learn nothing from me, they will learn how to be Christians.

"The Accidental Asian"

I remembered liking the book The Accidental Asian by Eric Liu. I don't remember much of the details except for the bit about Asian hair and not ordering drinks in Chinese Restaurants. I also remember wanting to give a copy to my brother and cousins just for fun.

Robin posted some comments on my "masterpiece" China Doll entry that gave me food for thought and reminded me of Eric Liu's book. (Robin not only comments, he even subscribes to my feed! Thanks Robin.) He commented:

... From an Asian male point of view, I've always thought that it was easier for Asian women to integrate into American society simply because Asian men tend to be considered more effete, while Asian women don't have this problem....

My perception is also very clouded by the fact that marriages such as yours (Asian woman to a Caucasian man) is much more common its reciprocal. I am distinctly aware of the fact that Caucasian men are generally more friendly to Illie than Caucasian women are to me...

His sentiments are echoed often enough by many of my male relatives and family friends, as well as other male Asian classmates and colleagues that I felt the impulse to respond. Keep in mind as you read this that they are Asian American males of a particular social economic class, with a heavy bias toward the medical profession, an admittedly narrow base for me to draw any all encompassing observation. But for what it's worth and for my boys when they are older:

1. Being short. No getting around that one. A universal complaint from short men of all races. If one has to be short, it's better to be a girl. But it's not insurmountable.
2. Being a geek, not really a problem at the end. Think Bill Gates, Jerry Yang, Steve Jobs, and Harry Potter. On a more everyday level, intelligent women prefer intelligent men, so unless you want a bimbo head then you should be fine. Being a female geek is still the same ugly duckling thing, definitely requiring transformation.
3. Being effete. Hmmm, different women have different taste, I personally prefer the Mr Darcy type myself. The foot ball player does not have universal appeal.
4. Being Asian. Only a problem for racist. Who wants to marry a racist?

But what happens if you put all four together? My anecdotal observation is:
All of the professional Asian males that I know, when they were ready to find a mate, readily found a very appropriate wife and are very happy. This, despite the unflattering self images formed during their teen age years or as an young adult. On the other hand, there is a significant number of Asian professional females who are "desperately seeking". From where these women stand, a preselected population of women who can see beyond stereotypes and commit to marriage is not so bad, but a non selected population of morons and Peter- Pans can be very detrimental to one's mental health. When all's been said and done, you only need one, and that one is an individual, your very own wife or husband. A true scenario where the end justifies the means. (Illie married Robin, need I say more?)

Why does it seem that many Asian American women prefer Caucasian men? I actually don't know if it's statistically true but one hears about it often enough that's just pretend that it is true for the sake of this discussion. I think it has to do with the need to find intellectual and spiritual liberation. We mostly end up with very nice guys who eat rice and use chopsticks, but they don't remind us of the constant need to be the good (and chaste) daughter. Looks? There are not that many truly good looking people around, it's all in the eyes of the beholder, therefore, psychological. (We already talked about the short thing, again no getting around that one, tall Asian men have an advantage too you know.)


Finally, why did I marry Scott?
He was the only male of the many races in America who wanted to marry me...It's true.

A Lazy Summer's Day

I washed the kids twice today, not because they were dirty, but because I ran out of things to do with them. Mondays and Tuesdays are my "days off" so I really try to make these days as "educational" or at least, as TV free as possible.

Bo and I dropped Yeh Yeh off for her individual "enrichment session" at her school this morning. (I don't think her teacher gets paid by the school in the summer, so this is her "summer job".) To kill off 1/2 an hour, we grabbed some coffee/chocolate milk and donuts at a nearby cafe. Afterwards the two of them played at the playground for another 1/2 hr, we then stopped at my office to turn in my billing from last week.

The rest of the morning was spent at Stone Lake beach. We had a picnic by the lake, played in the water, and ate ice cream before heading home. Jamie (my babysitter) and I congratulated ourselves on a great outing without mishaps, washed them, then put them down for their afternoon nap.

What to do after nap was more problematic. We tried the backyard play set, watering the plants, driveway chalk, blowing bubbles, and crashing down the driveway really really fast in the red plastic car. After the stunt act, I canceled the planned picnic on the driveway with gold fish and watermelon and bathed them again, for an hour. I can only enjoy our driveway for so long.

Summer dinner in the country is a casual affair. Gold fish for Bo then pizza two hours later, cheese stick and Strawberry Yogurt Burst Cheerios for Baby, and ramen noodle 泡麵 for Yeh. I know what you are thinking, but I put flax seed oil in it at least. Later tonight I 'll popped a few uncrushed gold fish from the floor into my mouth as I clean up, eat the rest of the cheese stick that Baby can't get out out of the wrapper, and polish off the left over noodle soup that Yeh grudgingly allowed me to save for myself. I hope Scott is not planning on eating dinner tonight. He claims to have a stomach flu so he can hide in the bedroom to read the last Harry Potter book. He can always have bagel with humus and dried mango if he gets hungry, but then he would be busted. I already read the end of the book.

Tomorrow we will go to the county fair in the morning, and Yeh has ballet in the evening, another fun filled day.

I can't wait for Wednesday morning -when I go back to work.

A Heaven in a Wild Flower

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

Don't really know why I am suddenly reminded of this poem after days of twigging my blog. Though the purpose was just to vent initially, it gradually became a creative project for me and now I want to learn Html so I can "beautify and customize" my blog.

I am staying away from the Rumor Queen site, not because I am still angry, but the experience left a bad taste that would not go away. I pop in once in a while to see if there are any big news, but I am no longer interested in their discussions. After all, what is it to me that China adoptive parents don't play peek-a-boo with their babies because the Rumor Queen told them that Bu4 不 means no in Chinese, and you would scare your baby playing that game? What Chinese person in his or her right mind goes around uttering Bu4 不 and only Bu4 不 without another verb, adjective, or sentence after it? Maybe in response to," are you leaving me because your are really dying of leukemia..."? No, No, No.....Dies! (and that would be in a Korean Drama dubbed in Mandarin)

I am leery to participate in any Internet forum now. One can easily become too emotionally absorbed over trivia in the on-line world. It is amazing how oppressive a group of faceless strangers can be ...sort of like being psychologically dominated. Pretty dangerous really. Maybe I was reminded of that poem to regain focus. Yes, looking around my backyard, heaven even in a weed.