Expedited Referrals

It all started with the rumor on The Rumor Queen that a certain US adoption agency gets faster referrals for their clients. Waiting parents are mad that people are "cutting in line", and are concerned about possible corruption in the China international adoption program. There are no conclusions yet on exactly what's going on. Some discussions regarding what constitute an ethical adoption followed, mostly about the role of the adoptive parents, adoption agencies and the governments involved. Little were mentioned about the adopted children or their birth parent. Then came the negativity toward expedited families of Chinese ancestry. It's just not fair that Chinese families get Chinese children faster. I find it perplexing that these outlooks are coming out of the same China adoptive parents (hopefully not the exact same people) who study blogs by Korean trans-racial adoptees. These are the same group of adoptive parents who express sympathy, empathy and understanding of the pain and suffering of the trans- racially adopted and vow to do better for their own trans- racially adopted children by enrolling them in Chinese schools and celebrate every Chinese holiday. How can they forget the sacred Adoption Triad so well described by those adopted? Let me remind my readers for the quiz after reading my blog, The Triad consists of The Child, The Birth Parents, and The Adoptive Parents...but did not include The Government (an oversight?). (This would make a good multi multiple choice question, the kind that you pick A,B,C,D, A and C, B and D, A B and C, and all of the above.)

I am not a big fan of the Korean trans-racial adoptive blogs. If nothing else, they don't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. In fact, reading them generates "negative emotions" toward trans- racial adoptions. Despite all the disclaimers by the authors that they are not bitter, resentful, and ungrateful, that's exactly how they come across. Ungrateful is fine, since being "ungrateful" is probably a sign of parent-child attachment, but bitter and resentful is harder for me to sympathise with....until recently, when I realize what their parents may be like and what their lives entail.

It comes across loud and clear in these blogs that the Korean trans- racial adoptees don't mind being adopted so much as being adopted by White Parents. The hierarchy of their preference is very clearly stated: 1.) Biologic parents, 2.) Domestic adoptive parents (citizens of their birth country), then grudgingly 3.) White Parents on a good day, but maybe The Institution on a bad day. The fact that they are not with #1 and #2 is the source of their angst and in my view not fair game for public debate, so I won't comment on it. It does not take too much imagination to infer that they would have probably preferred being adopted by Korean immigrants than white parents. In fact, I would presume to venture, that the mental image they have of their biologic parents are most likely based on that of the immigrant Korean families. The parents of their dreams most likely bear striking resemblances to their Korean classmates' parents. The White Parents seem to have a mental block with that reality. They are blocking this message out the same way and for the same reason that they are blocking out the message that morbid obesity is a life threatening condition, and homosexuality is not the familial norm. When choices are being made, the adoptive parents' desire to be parents always out weights the best interest of the child. But that's being human, and is necessary up to a certain point, for the sacrifices demanded of parenthood.

Raising children is not a particularly logical enterprise except in the context of specie survival. Were it not for the Desire to be Parents, we would all let our neighbors raise the next generation instead of ourselves. Therefore, the responsibility rests with the society/elected officials (The Government) to set limits so that the desire of the adoptive parents whilst acknowledged and respected, do not overwhelm the best interest of the child, hence The Haque. To that end the CCAA lets white families and Chinese families adopt, but has an expedited line for families of Chinese Heritage. To that end, there are restrictions based on BMI for adoptive parents, to that end there are income qualifications, and criminal record checks...it's not that hard to understand. By the way, I have never heard of Korean adoptees complain about their adoptive parent's weight or income, just about them being white...food for thought?

Some people are not happy that families of Chinese heritage are expedited. In my view these people should not adopt Chinese children. If they can not overlook their self interest enough to see that Chinese children prefer Chinese parents, then they would not understand the complex racial issues trans- racially adopted children will face. These parents are the ones that raise children who feel that they are experimental monkeys. After reading about the embittering experiences that trans- racial adoptees recounted and the blatant selfishness and racism expressed by some adoptive parents in the international adoptive community, I sometimes wish that China would refer their babies to Chinese families first, then consider the non Chinese families. But that kind of attitude does not contribute to world peace in the end, and I want a better world for my children and their children.

Being Chinese, I am pretty sure it was the White Adoptive Parent who first opened the door to international adoption and worked to make IA as corruption free as possible. They are also the ones adopting special needs babies and older children. As a population, the Chinese community still has (to put it kindly) reservations about adoption as a mean to build their own families. When I read blogs written by Chinese families about adoption, they most often talk about the disapproval they face within their own families, and the conflicts they face are quite painful and heartbreaking. These are blogs written in Chinese, a whole different genre of reading. (I don't have that problem by the way.)

Fortunately (Hopefully) for all of us, by striving to be prejudice free one small step at the time, these issues I vent about will become non-issues for our future generations. May all children born be loved and well cared for. Amen.

Was It Meant to Be?

I stumbled on a Korean adoptee blog today that bothered me more than others. The author also adopted from Korea, and has a bio daughter. She did not make her motivation to adopt clear on her blog. I do not find the author malicious in anyway. I do not believe her blog has an agenda or a cause. I think she writes about what she feels when she feels the need to write about it. I am almost certain that she is a pretty nice person, someone I would know from church etc. I felt the urge to respond to her opinions and observations, but I just don't have the heart to comment negatively on someone else's personal blog. She is not writing to me or for me. I read many of her recent entries to try to gain a more complete picture and to understand her writing style. The problem with reading blogs is that posts can be easily taken out of context. I think I read enough to know that while she appears happy with her life, she is not happy being a trans-racial adoptee.

What troubles me the most is her post that portrays adoptive parents as selfish insensitive people who thoughtlessly build their happiness upon the pain of the "birth parents". Specifically, she found adoptive parents' sentiment that the adopted children were "meant to be" their children distasteful and insulting to the children's birth parents. The fact that she over romanticizes the birth parents is obvious, or should be to anyone old enough to reproduce. Her reproach of parents who are just trying to express their love for their adopted children is not particularly charitable or helpful to those adopted. When I describe my relationship with my daughter as "meant to be", it does not imply that the events which lead to her adoption were also meant to be. Nothing bad that happens in our world is "meant to be". We chose with our free will to disobey God, and had to leave the Garden of Eden...after that, EVERYTHING was not meant to be. That is what is meant by the original sin. When I talk or think that my daughter is meant to be my daughter, I am talking about the grace of God that saves, protects, and blesses me, my daughter, her bio parents, infertile couples, China, USA, all of us, etc, despite all the things that are not meant to be. It's a miracle, and should be appreciated as such. Referring to my previous post, me, the child, her bio parents all knocked, and we were all answered, given the constraint of our inperfect word that is of our own doing. Please feel free to improve the world so the future is a better place. The past is what it is. I do understand and agree with her that there are adoptive parents with an attitude of entitlement that's hard to stomach. I complained quite loquaciously about them myself. But they are that way about everything in their life, they are not that way because they are adoptive parents. It dawn on me though, that her perspective is very much that of a sheltered American based on her somewhat romantic view of poverty, and child abandonment. while her views simply refect who she is and how she feels, they do lack insight and scope. ( If any one finds the term "sheltered American" insulting, realize at least that many in the world envy that dubious privilege.) In answer to her question, if I had to give up a child due to war, famine, extreme poverty,etc. I would be so thankful not to mention relieved that my child was loved and well cared for and did not die, I would have no problem over looking his or her adoptive parent's lack of talent for creative prose, or even their sense of undeserved entitlement. But that's just me. (By the way, bio parents with insight, do not feel entitled to their bio children either.)

Human love is by nature possessive. I claim my child, my child claims me, that's called attachment. Children need to attach, it's part of normal development. How would an adopted child feel growing up if she thinks that her parents would willingly, with gladness reunite her with her bio parents should they happen to show up on the front door? Only God is capable of the true unconditional love that is perfectly pure. The rest of us can only love in a way that God approves, allow God to guide us in our choices and trust in his timing. To think otherwise is hubris.

Her perspective about female Asian stereotypes is also very much that of an American woman (of whatever ethnicity) rather than that of an Asian. Ironically, it's the fact that she is so very American (and nothing wrong with that, by the way) that she sees it as a racial issue. I have no doubt that everything she described happened. However, if I were to be in those situations, it's the perversity that would offend me, not the fact that these people view me as Asian. Chinese is what I am, whoever that chooses to look at me. As an Asian women who grew up with a world filled with other Asian women of all ages, shape and sizes, ugly and beautiful but mostly just plain, the concept of all Asian woman as sexual beings is just too preposterous to be entertained even under duress. Bad men sexualize women, their hatred is universal. They would not treat white women or even their own wives or daughters any better. It puzzles me that anyone should find sexual perverts' opinion on women of any significance. I don't seek opinion on children from pedophiles. Of course these people are also racist. They are the same group that robs the poor and beats the elderly. They exist in all countries. Unfortunately certain percentage of the human population suffers from this particular form of "congenital defect", and are truly "learning disabled". One simply stay away from places where these people are likely to hang out (in the real world and on the internet) because these places are bad places for many other reasons. No energy left to comment on the sisterly comments she received. Maybe they view her as a threat because she is attractive, again it's not that she is Asian. I am starting to feel a little bad about myself. I don't seem to have her problem...I guess I am that ugly.

A lot of her complaints are also complaints of second or third generation Asians, they are only relevant to her adoption in the sense that had she not been adopted, she would have grown up in Korea. These are not issues caused by adoption. These are issues of immigration, and she is an immigrant though she is not likely to view herself as such. Other children don't get to choose if their family immigrate or not either, their parents make that decision for them, just like hers.

It's getting late, so I'll cut it short. If you get nothing else from this blog, please just remember that Google search is not a research tool (if one needs an example of something that is not meant to be... )It's the definition of selection bias by design. Besides, pornography is the number one use (or at least one of the top uses) of the Internet. Try to Google white women in an Asian country and see what happens. This is just a pet peeve about one of the failures of our liberal arts education.

Up a Notch Racism

I do not like the Rumor Queen. I do not like the site. However, I visit and read the posts and discussions. I need the information and for now the China Adopt Talk site is where people go to share information regarding China adoption. It bothers me that I have to visit that site to get information, but so be it. Why do I read the discussions? I sometimes wonder.

I checked out some of the blogs that were referenced on the Rumor Queen forum regarding "racism". They are mostly blogs by trans- racial adoptees. They experience and describe a peculiar form of racism that results form having internalized the persona of the "superior race"growing up, but are then regarded by the rest of the world as NOT of the "superior race". By definition, what ever amount of racism these individuals experience, it has to be more than what their parents/families experience (which is none), because their parents are of the "superior race" themselves. That is distinctively different from the typical immigrant experience where the second generation tend to be better assimilated and experience less "racist moments" than their parents and are constantly reminded by their parents how lucky they are to be able to grow up in America. After reading these blogs, it is understandable that the white adoptive parents worry about the racial discriminations that their children are likely to face yet that themselves have no experience with. How can they help their children? Unfortunately, how some of these trans-racial adoptive parents (the Rumor Queen type) address that concern is often offensive and racist in the extreme. Why they need to claim superiority on a problem (racial discrimination) that's better left unexperienced and of which they lack any perspective on is really kind of strange.There is no pride in being discriminated against, really, I kid you not.

For starters, It's all about Them. (A pretty universal complaint regarding racism from all parties involved.) They are concerned about racism toward female Asian Americans only because they have adoptive children from China (or substitute Asian country of your choice). They don't care "sh*t" about Asians Americans or any other racial minorities for that matter. They may pretend they do, and sometimes they pretend so hard they convince themselves but nobody else. The "other minorities" exist to serve as examples for them to make a point. It's always if a black person this or if a black person that. Personally, if I were black, I would get pretty p*ssed at being the "gold standard" for other minorities. Why don't they use themselves as examples? After all, white Americans have many negative stereotypes of their own, and in case they haven't noticed, they are not the majority or superior race where their daughters came from. What infuriates me the most is how readily they gang up to stump on any Asian that gets in their way to eradicate racism for their daughters, even when they are wrong (spoken from personal experience by the way). They can't seem to grasp that not everything that distinguish a person as Chinese is bad, not every un-American trait is a negative stereotype, and not everybody wants to be "colorless".

They are pretty brutal with fellow white citizens who have not immersed themselves in the trans-racial adoptive culture as well. Why can't people just educate themselves for my family's sake is sort of the attitude. Why can't people treat us just like everyone else but behave with impeccable sensitivity around my children because they are not white and are obviously adopted? Really one does feel sorry for the children. But the self-righteousness of the parents is not justified. If they really care that much about "The Children", then don't adopt them, just donate the money so they can stay with their biologic family or at least lead a good life in their own country. The amount of money spent on these children on a daily basis in America will more than compensate for permanent foster families who may even be the children's biologic extended families. If , like us, you adopt because of your own selfish needs to love and beloved, internationally because of its relative ease compared to domestic adoption, at least have the tolerance to put up with the imperfect world as you suffer it because you created it yourself. Occasionally, one also hear from trans racial adoptive parents who adopt as a part of their efforts to combat racism, prevent population growth, or avoid childbirth...and China because they have always been drawn to it ever since they were little girls (growing up in Kansas?). That would be during the cultural revolution when China was CLOSED to the world and its own past! What were they being drawn by?

These white adoptive parents insist that because they have researched and read all about racism toward female Asian Americans, they understand it better than the oblivious Asian American women themselves. Yes, they claim to feel my pain more than me, and they are also entitled to tell me what I should and should not find offensive or discriminatory!? The presumption and arrogance of these white women are mind boggling to someone who has never had the privilege to be of the "superior race".

Striking are these women's obvious resentments toward Asian American women who refuse to subscribe to the white agenda. They have no problems with Asians whom they regard as foreign. Chopsticks, Chinese food, Chinese folklore are all to be embraced and respected for their foreignness. They are all too willing to take on the White Men's or Women's burden. They just can't stomach Chinese Americans who don't share their feelings but are just as American as they are. They are worse than people who harbor racism based on ignorance, or are just ignorant period. These are intelligent and articulate people with influence who exercise the White Person's prerogative when they are threatened by others who are different but equally powerful. I do realize that the "all must think and feel just like me and nothing I say, think, or do can be wrong" is a personality disorder that exist in all races, not just people "without color". But when these people happen to be white and decide to combat racism, they have just taken racism to the next level, a much more subversive and dangerous realm. Now imaging little Chinese girls growing up calling these people mommy. They may love you, but they really wish deep down that you are "colorless". Nevertheless, they love you despite all that because they are such wonderful colorblind human beings...and when you run in to other Chinese women, just assume that they don't know anything about China, being Chinese or Chinese American, certainly not as much as your mommy who puts you in Chinese school and has the money to take you (back?) to China for heritage tours every year. Many Chinese immigrants have to save up for years to go back home you know, so how can they understand China like my family? Besides Chinese people in America don't seem to like me very much, wonder why?

Failing to acknowledge that they are indeed privilege to be white in America, lacking the humbleness to admit that they can not always understand other people's sufferings make them think that they are so special that their children should be exempted from the price of immigration that every immigrant and their children have to pay. Loss of culture, loss of biologic extended family, loss of the certainty of belonging are not unique to their children but are the accepted price immigrants, their children, and their children's children all pay...mitigated only when they become equal parts of the American society, when their race is no longer viewed as a liability, dissolved though not necessarily resolved when completely assimilated and intermarried. So what motivates the Rumor Queen and her likes to reinforce to an Asian woman that being Asian is and always will be a liability in America even when that Asian woman argued (uncharacteristically) with them that need not be so? Pure, simple, unadulterated racial superiority?

Why I read the Rumor Queen? Because it allows me to better understand how racism really manifests itself in America. They have convinced me that racism is rampant in America and infiltrates into every aspects of our lives.

"The Accidental Asian"

I remembered liking the book The Accidental Asian by Eric Liu. I don't remember much of the details except for the bit about Asian hair and not ordering drinks in Chinese Restaurants. I also remember wanting to give a copy to my brother and cousins just for fun.

Robin posted some comments on my "masterpiece" China Doll entry that gave me food for thought and reminded me of Eric Liu's book. (Robin not only comments, he even subscribes to my feed! Thanks Robin.) He commented:

... From an Asian male point of view, I've always thought that it was easier for Asian women to integrate into American society simply because Asian men tend to be considered more effete, while Asian women don't have this problem....

My perception is also very clouded by the fact that marriages such as yours (Asian woman to a Caucasian man) is much more common its reciprocal. I am distinctly aware of the fact that Caucasian men are generally more friendly to Illie than Caucasian women are to me...

His sentiments are echoed often enough by many of my male relatives and family friends, as well as other male Asian classmates and colleagues that I felt the impulse to respond. Keep in mind as you read this that they are Asian American males of a particular social economic class, with a heavy bias toward the medical profession, an admittedly narrow base for me to draw any all encompassing observation. But for what it's worth and for my boys when they are older:

1. Being short. No getting around that one. A universal complaint from short men of all races. If one has to be short, it's better to be a girl. But it's not insurmountable.
2. Being a geek, not really a problem at the end. Think Bill Gates, Jerry Yang, Steve Jobs, and Harry Potter. On a more everyday level, intelligent women prefer intelligent men, so unless you want a bimbo head then you should be fine. Being a female geek is still the same ugly duckling thing, definitely requiring transformation.
3. Being effete. Hmmm, different women have different taste, I personally prefer the Mr Darcy type myself. The foot ball player does not have universal appeal.
4. Being Asian. Only a problem for racist. Who wants to marry a racist?

But what happens if you put all four together? My anecdotal observation is:
All of the professional Asian males that I know, when they were ready to find a mate, readily found a very appropriate wife and are very happy. This, despite the unflattering self images formed during their teen age years or as an young adult. On the other hand, there is a significant number of Asian professional females who are "desperately seeking". From where these women stand, a preselected population of women who can see beyond stereotypes and commit to marriage is not so bad, but a non selected population of morons and Peter- Pans can be very detrimental to one's mental health. When all's been said and done, you only need one, and that one is an individual, your very own wife or husband. A true scenario where the end justifies the means. (Illie married Robin, need I say more?)

Why does it seem that many Asian American women prefer Caucasian men? I actually don't know if it's statistically true but one hears about it often enough that's just pretend that it is true for the sake of this discussion. I think it has to do with the need to find intellectual and spiritual liberation. We mostly end up with very nice guys who eat rice and use chopsticks, but they don't remind us of the constant need to be the good (and chaste) daughter. Looks? There are not that many truly good looking people around, it's all in the eyes of the beholder, therefore, psychological. (We already talked about the short thing, again no getting around that one, tall Asian men have an advantage too you know.)


Finally, why did I marry Scott?
He was the only male of the many races in America who wanted to marry me...It's true.

A Heaven in a Wild Flower

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

Don't really know why I am suddenly reminded of this poem after days of twigging my blog. Though the purpose was just to vent initially, it gradually became a creative project for me and now I want to learn Html so I can "beautify and customize" my blog.

I am staying away from the Rumor Queen site, not because I am still angry, but the experience left a bad taste that would not go away. I pop in once in a while to see if there are any big news, but I am no longer interested in their discussions. After all, what is it to me that China adoptive parents don't play peek-a-boo with their babies because the Rumor Queen told them that Bu4 不 means no in Chinese, and you would scare your baby playing that game? What Chinese person in his or her right mind goes around uttering Bu4 不 and only Bu4 不 without another verb, adjective, or sentence after it? Maybe in response to," are you leaving me because your are really dying of leukemia..."? No, No, No.....Dies! (and that would be in a Korean Drama dubbed in Mandarin)

I am leery to participate in any Internet forum now. One can easily become too emotionally absorbed over trivia in the on-line world. It is amazing how oppressive a group of faceless strangers can be ...sort of like being psychologically dominated. Pretty dangerous really. Maybe I was reminded of that poem to regain focus. Yes, looking around my backyard, heaven even in a weed.

China Doll

There exists a thread in Rumor Queen (a popular web site for China adoptive parents) regarding the term China Doll (http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=4502.0talk.com/forum/index.php?topic=4502.0). It starts out innocently enough with an adoptive parent wanting to understand if the eponym is offensive, and if so, why. I read the thread with curiosity for several pages and thought that it must be hard to be a transracial adoptive parent...so many things to watch out for but so brave. I was much more worried about the Green Bean Popsicle topic at the time...Imagine, a bag of frozen Green Giant on a stick then serving it to your baby. Cultural shock indeed, even for a 10 months old!

The thread becomes interesting when Chinese adoptive mothers (after several pages of restraint) chime in to say that they don't find the term "that bad"....not that it is good mind you, but just that compared to the C-word, (no, not China, "Chink" ,you silly), it's not t-h-a-t offensive. But the C-word should be avoided at all cost. Yes, we did have to explain that! The intent is probably to allay the anxiety of many of the China adoptive parents that their daughters will be forever scarred should they chance upon the term China Doll or any of its variations. After all, China Doll could just mean a doll made of porcelain. There are some fortunate Chinese women with such blessed complexion...my own daughter being one.

Never mind the slings and arrows of outrageous parlance, raise your children to overcome racism by being an admirable person, said I and many others, and they will change the future!
(Feel free to pick your own role model, there are quite a few). Silly me. Maybe that ideal is too lofty? It's pretty obvious that our voices are irritating to the Rumor Queen (affectionately referred to as RQ) and her non-Asian, but oh-so-culturally empathetic followers. We are pesky obstructions on their course to be the definitive authority on China adoption and matters relating to it. RQ's cited reference for her proclamation on the matter at hand (and she has many) is a college age blogger with identity crisis because she is a beautiful, intelligent Asian woman... in that order. Unbeknownst to me, being beautiful is apparently a real disadvantage in the current American society, and if one is also intelligent, the angst of being misunderstood becomes unbearable, being Asian on top of all that is just more than anyone can bear. That's duly noted. I am not disputing that that's her experience at this point of her life, whoever she may be. But how representative is she for the entire female Asian American population, including people like my mother and grandmother? I can tell you right now, unless your are a pervert, you can call my mom China Doll all you want, she'll respond by covering her mouth with her hand and giggle, then thank you profusely. My mother (who can be a little silly, bless her soul) is just as part of the American society as the co-ed, and she has conquered many heart ranching hardships living in America with perseverance and patience. I know because I was there, and I know of many more Asian women like her. They are not without worth, so why discount them and their feelings?

China Doll? People of my generation (roughly the generation of current adoptive parents), would most likely just shrug it off. Growing up here, many of us have experienced both the concrete operational school- yard type racism and the nebulous, undefinable kind that accounts for the discrepancy between our impressive academic credentials and lack of social/economic/political representation. Despite that, we, by and large, do not walk around bitter and angry but manage quite nicely, thank you. Quite a few of us even hold ourselves and/or our poor parents accountable for this discrepancy, attributing it to our upbringing and educational style. Being called a China Doll is trite by comparison, especially if no harm is intended. I'll tackle that one when there's an Asian president in the United States of America.

In truth, I suspect that the term China Doll may, in certain instances, be a problem for Chinese Americans of my children's generation, well, hmmmm :cough cough, whisper: if they are adopted by non Chinese families. However, since the "glow in the dark" white women (their words not mine) who object to the term have fairly young daughters or none at all yet, could it be that they are waging a war on the term for themselves, because they, these "white women", resent being reminded that their daughters are, or will be... adopted? When people descirbe my daughter as a China Doll, it's assumed that she is my biologic daughter, and I thank them for telling me that she is cute. Such is not the case for a transracial mother. For her, the statement may be taken as an inference that her daughter is adopted. While many have no problem with that inference, my hypothesis is (have to hold my breath here, because I am scared to say this): for a transracial mother or mother -to- be who is insecure about her motherhood, either because of unresolved infertility issues and/or of her motivation for international adoption, the term China Doll may generate many negative emotions that have nothing to do with the Asian women or her Asian daughter. For these same reasons, these women will be just as offended by the term Ethiopian Princess (Aida instead of Madame Butterfly?) if they were to adopt from Ethiopia. I can just see the mandate right now: "DO NOT let your daughter listen to Puccini (or Verdi)" . I believe these acrimonious women to be a small but vocal minority of the transracial adoptive community, but they generate, perhaps unintentionally, confusion and misunderstanding as well as pain for others, including their own friends and family. In my humble opinion, they should keep their private grief private rather than co-opt other people's anguish that's fundamentally unrelated.

Referenced by a mom- want-to -be university professor, is a trans racial Korean adoptee who wants to abolish the term China Doll from the English language. For this Korean adoptee, the word Chink is not nearly as offensive as China Doll. She resents China Doll when applied to her because it implies that people think all Asians look alike. Well, she is not Chinese now, is she? Who has the initiative to meddle with other people's racial slurs? Obviously, I am having problems just recognizing my own. Besides, many Asians have problem telling Caucasians apart too, ever try to watch an American movie with one? In all seriousness, this Korean woman most likely has issues that I would not in a million years make light of. Nevertheless, the point is, for the most part, China Doll is dismissible by Chinese American women... not commendable, just dismissible by a great majority of us, unless used by a sexual pervert that is (even then, it's the perversity that is the problem, not the words). RQ and her supporters refuse to acknowledge the voices of the Chinese adoptive members on the forum, instead, they pro actively seek out any Asian woman whose personal experience supports their claim, no matter if taken out of context. They are seeking allies rather than the broad consensus that exists in the Asian American community. In short, using RQ's jargon, I would say that "our positive experiences of being a contemporary Chinese/Asian American woman are being invalidated". Got to love the lingo... Good thing they validated my parking ticket in Chinatown this weekend (no, I don't live there, probably can't afford to given the current real estate market), or I might just have to invalidate my lunch.

By the way, I do realize that Chinese and Asian are not interchangeable, but we were sort of just lumped together for the China Doll discussion...

Efforts to reconcile were repudiated with disdain, and before long, much to my horror, true racism started to surface. To help me better understand how Asian women are actually viewed in America, the said professor above, who is a "waiting mother", kindly described the "pervasive" (especially around US military bases (?huh)) stereotype in plain English for all to share..."passive, submissive, exotic, and adept at sexually pleasing men..." If she wasn't so serious, it would have been funny. I could have (and really wanted to) excuse her as someone who got a little carried away with her quotes when trying to make a point but for the fact that she became very antagonistic when I tried to point out that perhaps the stereotype is dated, and offered an alternative one that is more relevant to our time. For my benefit, so she claimed, was posted a long list of links to substantiate her conviction that racism toward Asian women is well and alive in America. Hmmm, I am so dense I haven't noticed. She googled the term China Doll for her research and found "much evidence". I hope her reproductive endocrinologist googles to practice "evidence based medicine " on her. Read in the WSJ today:

"The Internet itself has exploded as a center of chat and misinformation...."

As an experiment, she should google Cleopatra, or bunny rabbits, and see the many porn sites that pop up. She could have pm'ed (pm=private mail)me the offensive list if the intent was to enlighten an oblivious China Doll, but she chose to post the list publicly. Though she posed and prosed to eradicate racism, in actuality, she seemed much more interested in perpetuating it if doing so supports her own cause.

The Rumor Queen herself suggested that I talk to some young Asian Americans to get some perspective?! What's up with that??? Perhaps in her zeal to reform me, she forgot that not all Asian women were adopted? Maybe she thought that I am estranged from my family and friends? Was I not young once, not so long ago? Come to think of it, I spent the first eleven years of my life talking exclusively to other Chinese in Chinese! For the record, we do talk about our negative experiences of being an Asian American woman (right now, for example), we just don't dwell on it. Though much obliged for her concern, our ethnicity or gender is just not a constant ban on our reasons for being as she fears, and I hope it won't be for her daughters.

Is it not obvious to those in pursuit of irreproachable political correctness that if they lose sight of the spirit justifying it, they can create more much more harm than good? Not to mention making themselves look pretty ridiculous in the process. As a metaphor, if, in Japan, trying to be respectful to the Japanese culture, an American woman bows to the train conductor as she boards the train. But, finding the crowd of Japanese around her restrictive of her attempts to bow, she pushes the ones behind her down the stairs and punches the ones on her side......... perhaps a little extreme, but I am trying to make a point.

As the thread gets off track and veers into Asian stereotypes in general, it becomes nearly intolerable. A woman is "puzzled" by the desire of the "young, successful, professional Asian women" whom she works with to perpetuate the model immigrant stereotype. They told her that her baby will be very smart when they found out that she was adopting from China. Well, what were they suppose to say? I HOPE your baby will be smart? Or better yet, your baby will be "submissive, passive, exotic, and adept at sexually pleasing men" when she grows up? Is that a poorly veiled implication that professional Asian women are opportunists and would use any situation to advance their own standing? So what? For her information, I for one, am not smart, successful, (and not without charm) to perpetuate a stereotype; egads, that's just who I am, by THEIR own standards. (Being most un Asian now, tooting my own horn, but it's for a greater cause). For many Asian women, being successful is not a stereotype, but a reality. Should they have been criticized and condemned for hoping that the adopted Chinese babies will be part of their world instead of that of Madame Butterfly? I can't help but feel that some trans-racial adoptive mothers want to see Asian American women as victims who need their protection, but secretly resent the competitions from those who are successful and well adjusted. Are THEY the ones making Asian women seem passive and submissive?
(Not sure who or what is making us sexually pleasing to men, but if you find out, let me know so I can pass it on to my unmarried cousins and friends...thanks in advance)

For those interested, though we may take pride in our group's achievements, the model immigrant stereotype is not something Asian Americans discuss to impress the non Asian community. It's a most relevant topic of great significance for ourselves and our children because of its many ramifications. It is also a stereotype that can generate so much pressure and pain, that sometimes it leads to personal tragedy...enough said... back to Cio-Cio San and Susy Wong....and more recently Sayuri. A person really must spent a lot of time watching TV and movies if she wants to understand racism, another RQ obervation. If my references seem old, that's because I just don't have time to watch much TV lately...will try hard to catch up. I am putting my faith in Kai-Lan, the preschooler, to vanquish the rampant China Doll stereotype (you remember, the passive, submissive, exotic....whatever one) in the global media. According to the NY Times,

"Kai-lan [the main character] inhabits a fantastical realm with an impulsive tiger, a koala who longs to be a panda, a pink rhino and a dumpling-loving monkey. Kai-lan is 'a born leader who makes affirmative connections with people and nature, paying attention to the feelings of others..."

I wonder why RQ et al don't object to her? Just look at the picture, how many Chinese stereotypes can you find? So... this represents the reality of contemporary Chinese American womanhood? The inconsistency is obvious. Perhaps RQ et al were being a little hypocritical when argueing their objections for the term China Doll? I actually think Kai-Lan is really cute, and am desperately looking for a break from Dora and the Wiggles. (The picture reminds me of my daughter with my father, the koala bear-B0B0, the monkey-Baby Aby, and the little bug-the daughter I am waiting for?) But then, I am a poor judge on what should and should not be offensive to a Chinese woman, so my opinion does not count.


Now, how offensive is China Doll??? Well, I would pause if someone introduces her daughter as my "China Doll" since I can't imagine myself referring to my mother as my China mommy or my boys as my Eurasian babies. Not that there's necessarily a problem, but one wonders. And NO, I never refer to my daughter as China anything. First, it's redundant. Second, it would sound kind of ridiculous uttered in Chinese. ( ha ha my children are bilingual :)) . Same reason I don't tell my vet that I am bringing my canine Labrador retrievers for their baths on Thursday. when my relatives compliment my daughter on her undeniable cuteness, they do call her doll, A WESTERN Doll (洋娃娃）! In Chinese, a western doll or baby is a doll period. How's that for irony? Of more importance, if little old ladies or other immigrant Chinese use the term China Doll to compliment my daughter, even if it annoys me or my children, I would want to teach my children to be kind and forgiving first before being judgmental about the vocabulary used. Charity and Forgiveness before Political Correctness and Moral Superiority in my household. Too Christian? How about just being polite? Now there's an Asian concept for you.

How do I personally feel about the term China Doll? How can I be so ignorant about it's egregious connotations? Let me count the way... When I arrived in the midst of a blizzard in Chicago not speaking a word of English, racial slurs were pretty low on the list of things I must learn to survive. A few years later, when I got up at five every morning to study for the SAT so I can ensure my family's future wellbeing (not to fulfill a stereotype), China Doll was not in the official study guide. True, I knew that Chink was a bad word, because occasional bullies would holler that term at me, but really , any noise such persons made was offensive. Fast forward to medical school at the esteemed halls of Northwestern. Classmates were too busy shoving my books off on the street because I was ruining the normal grade distribution curve for them, I don't think they could see the color yellow. It was just bright, glowing, neon green for six straight years. There I was again, perpetuating the darn Asian stereotype, being a six year med. I hung my head in shame and tried not to complain, that's the submissive, passive part of me. While I am all "settled and established" now, I am not indifferent to the "forever a foreigner concept". I view it as a mixed blessing. Being effortlessly bi-lingual and bi-cultural is a definite plus.

Reading to this point, my husband wants to know when is the "exotic, adept at sexually pleasing men" part going to surface....(Bug off, you...I am busy and I have a headache from typing all this).

To give credit where credit is due, I don't remember ever being this riled up about being Chinese. The China Doll thread is by far the most offensive and racist experience that I have encountered in my entire life. Why are these people adopting from China? Are their daughters going to disrespect Chinese/Asian women and hate themselves when they grow up? Are they the reason that many reputable international organization frown upon international adoption? Are they the reason that transracial adoption in America is difficult? (Do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw?) I don't know, but I wonder after my encounter with them.

I learned of all sorts of stereotypes reading the links the above mentioned RQ member provided. I was a little afraid that I will get spammed with pornographic sites, but my fury knew no fear. Where have these women been? Inquiring minds wanted to know. Suffice to say, the last site of the list was angryasianman.com. Quoting my 2 year old, "you joka me, ma ma?". I struggle with what to do? Be silent and unheard because of my Chinese upbringing to avoid confrontation, or raise hell and fulfill the third Asian female stereotype of "the dragon lady"? We are such a versatile group.

At the end, I think I'll keep my thoughts burried in oscurity. After all, this is not the diatribe of a Rumor Queen, nor that of a university professor, this is just the diatribe of a Pissed Off China Doll.