Update

It's been a long time since my last entry. I stopped when we decided not to continue with our second adoption. Since the blog was started for that purpose, it feels sad to visit it when we won't be getting a baby after all. The reasons for our decision all sound kind of trivial and hollow when alliterate . The changing climax of international adoption has a lot to do with it. It was just not meant to be. God's will.

I am sort of in a slump now, not quit knowing where to re direct my energy. The children seem out of control except when they are under someone else care. I am not quite sure what to do with baby sitting arrangement with the kids in school, one until 2:45, one get out at 11:30, and one goes only three days a week. Currently we have three baby sitters, one during the day (also suppose to clean etc.), and two rotating ones for week nights because Scott and I both take call. I have reluctantly come to the realization that ultimately, nobody wants to take care of other people's children or clean their houses (it's not as terrible as it sounds, heck, I don't want to clean my own house even if Scott pays me). It's just a job, and the less they do, the better it is for them. Scott says that I need to give specific instructions as to what needs to be done. I find that so difficult to be nearly impossible. It's not that I don't know what needs to be done. I just can't bring myself to give orders. It's gotten so that I pack the boys their lunch even though they eat at home, just to make sure that they eat what I prepared, instead of being taken out for fast food. It's all much easier in the hospital. I write my orders, and a system is in place to see that the orders are carried out, otherwise, "the system" is in place to "take care of it" without me having to confront anybody directly. On the rare occasion that I complaint...meetings are arranged, apologies offered, and some attempts at changes are made... well I didn't say it is perfect...

I thought of changing the blog to a food/bento blog. There's only one problem. The kids just want to have PBJ, and chicken mcnuggets. List of acceptable food is short: cereal, macaroni and cheese from a box, Chinese instant noodle, chocolate milk. Baby drinks more milk than a calf. They love Pizza Wednesdays at school. They would each gulf down two adult size pieces plus dessert, no problem. In the mean time, I am churning out enough baked goods for a small bakery, and making multi layered bento boxes. I would not go so far as to say that Motherhood is not rewarding, but a simple positive feed back loop it is not.


I also find it difficult to reconcile the priorities that preschool and kindergarten demand with my work schedule. Kindergarten craft duty, lunch service duty, field trips to apple orchard, Halloween parties are all smack in the middle of a work day. It's not that I don't want to spend time with my children or be involved with their education. I insist on dropping them off myself every morning, which means I start my rounds an hour later than is typical. While that does not seem like a big deal, it is if you are waiting to be taken of the ventilator, or worse yet, need to be put on one. But, I do feel that the entire preschool/kindergarten curriculum is not designed with working parents in mind, let alone one that intubate and resuscitate people for a living.

Enough venting, time to plan that Disney trip for next Spring. Did you know that you need to make dining reservations 6 months ahead of your day of arrival to get the restaurants and character meal that you want? To get a meal with Cindy at The Castle, you have to synchronize your phone call to the atomic clock at the exact time that they open their phone line for reservation on the exact day six months ahead of you day of arrival because so many people are making the reservation at the same time. It's crazy! If you have no idea what I am talking about, you are a better person than I am. To think, I use to be able to pack for a trip to Peru an hour ahead of my flight and bring only a small duffel bag for the whole two weeks!

Giving up my iPhone

How best to describe my feeling upon surrendering my iPhone for Scott to use, and settle with a Blackberry Pearl? When in the depth of despair, I can only express myself through Chinese poetry.. 還君明珠雙淚垂 comes to mine.

The Blackberry Pearl is a pretty stylish smart phone itself, but, 曾經滄海難為水，除卻巫山不是雲.

I am waiting for third party developers to create medical applications that can be download to the iPhone. Using web based applications is just too inefficient and unreliable for a busy pulmonary/critical care practice. 春蠶到死絲方盡，蠟炬成灰淚始乾 sort of sums up the current situation.

But, I still get to use the iPhone on weekends. 兩情若是久長時， 又豈在朝朝暮暮

So, 問世間, 情是何物, 直教生死相許 is the billion dollar question to be demonstrated by a new iPhone vs. other smart phones ad for China.

Before I get another iPhone, it needs to mature beyond being desirable and beguiling, it needs to support knowledge management systems for healthcare, and mobile charge capture applications. A woman can not live on love alone.

How Heartless Are We

Scott and I practice medicine in La Porte county. We have only one neurosurgeon in the entire county. He also serves Porter county. He takes call for himself every day (and night), because well, there's just him. If a person happens to need a neurosurgeon traveling through our lake effect snow covered roads and gets hit by a truck, or because a person drinks too much champagne this New Year's Eve then falls and hits his head, he is it, any hour of the day (or night usually). He's been doing this for, give or take, 18 years.

A few days before Christmas, the OR scheduled was packed with no room to accommodate emergencies. Everyone wanted to get their elective surgery done before the year's end, because they have already paid the deductible for their health insurances. Scott called to say that he's going to be late coming home because his case was bumped two or three times and he won't be starting his case until 4:00 or 5:00 pm. (Scott, my seldom mentioned husband, is an orthopedic surgeon.) A couple of hours later, he called again and told me that he will be further delayed because he gave his time slot to the neurosurgeon at the last minute. Bellow was his conversation with the OR charge nurse, Dr. F, the neurosurgeon, and others.

Scott: say, why is Dr. F is looking grumpy? It's not like him.

OR nurse: well, he has to operate on a kid with a brain abscess today, and now he's going to miss his mother's funeral at six (6:00 pm)because his case keeps getting bumped. He says the abscess needs to be drained today.

Scott: speechless?!?!?!

Ran done the hall to stop them from wheeling his patient into the OR, asked his patient if he'll wait a few more hours so Dr.F can get to his mother's funeral. Patient had no problem waiting. Patient was a normal human being. Scott, thankfully, also was a normal human being.

Dr.F: Scott, you don't have to do this you know, it's not how the rules for the OR schedule work, you are entitled to go before me.

Scott: IT"S YOUR MOTHER"S FUNERAL!!!

Anesthesiologist (during Scott's operation): do you think the OR committee is going to review him bumping you?

Scott: I gave him the spot, it's not a bump.

Anesthesiologist: it's a bump according to the rules.

We thought anesthesiologist was half joking, but only half.

Me (after listening to Scott): You joke me, right!?!? (Chinese baby English comes out our my mouth when stressed.) Why he not ask someone earlier?

Scott: I no joke you, you English bye bye, need neurosurgeon? Drive to Chicago...Dr F at funeral.

Me (thinking some more about this): On the other hand, who else do you think would have let him "cut in line"?

Scott and I thinking very hard, eyes widening, hearts sinking...

Scott (hope rising): Dr.X would have offered to operate faster...?

Why DR. F felt he could not and should not ask his fellow surgeons to let him "cut in line", and drain a must be drained brain abscess, (in a kid no less), so he could attend his mother's funeral reflected his assessment of our medical community's character, ethics, and humanity, after having worked with these people for 18 years. I think he may have been "conservative" in his assessment, but well within the ball park in his estimation of the probability of his request being denied. It's long accepted that in the field of medicine, personal birthdays mean nothing, holidays mean working harder and longer hours on the days that follow, and maternity leave starts when one is having contraction's every ten minutes...no reason to not work because your mother just died. And the funeral? Dead people don't need emergency surgery, so not valid reason to bump another surgeon's elective surgery.

Are the other professions like us? Or are we just more jaded about death and dying? Or just jaded, period?