How Heartless Are We

Scott and I practice medicine in La Porte county. We have only one neurosurgeon in the entire county. He also serves Porter county. He takes call for himself every day (and night), because well, there's just him. If a person happens to need a neurosurgeon traveling through our lake effect snow covered roads and gets hit by a truck, or because a person drinks too much champagne this New Year's Eve then falls and hits his head, he is it, any hour of the day (or night usually). He's been doing this for, give or take, 18 years.

A few days before Christmas, the OR scheduled was packed with no room to accommodate emergencies. Everyone wanted to get their elective surgery done before the year's end, because they have already paid the deductible for their health insurances. Scott called to say that he's going to be late coming home because his case was bumped two or three times and he won't be starting his case until 4:00 or 5:00 pm. (Scott, my seldom mentioned husband, is an orthopedic surgeon.) A couple of hours later, he called again and told me that he will be further delayed because he gave his time slot to the neurosurgeon at the last minute. Bellow was his conversation with the OR charge nurse, Dr. F, the neurosurgeon, and others.

Scott: say, why is Dr. F is looking grumpy? It's not like him.

OR nurse: well, he has to operate on a kid with a brain abscess today, and now he's going to miss his mother's funeral at six (6:00 pm)because his case keeps getting bumped. He says the abscess needs to be drained today.

Scott: speechless?!?!?!

Ran done the hall to stop them from wheeling his patient into the OR, asked his patient if he'll wait a few more hours so Dr.F can get to his mother's funeral. Patient had no problem waiting. Patient was a normal human being. Scott, thankfully, also was a normal human being.

Dr.F: Scott, you don't have to do this you know, it's not how the rules for the OR schedule work, you are entitled to go before me.

Scott: IT"S YOUR MOTHER"S FUNERAL!!!

Anesthesiologist (during Scott's operation): do you think the OR committee is going to review him bumping you?

Scott: I gave him the spot, it's not a bump.

Anesthesiologist: it's a bump according to the rules.

We thought anesthesiologist was half joking, but only half.

Me (after listening to Scott): You joke me, right!?!? (Chinese baby English comes out our my mouth when stressed.) Why he not ask someone earlier?

Scott: I no joke you, you English bye bye, need neurosurgeon? Drive to Chicago...Dr F at funeral.

Me (thinking some more about this): On the other hand, who else do you think would have let him "cut in line"?

Scott and I thinking very hard, eyes widening, hearts sinking...

Scott (hope rising): Dr.X would have offered to operate faster...?

Why DR. F felt he could not and should not ask his fellow surgeons to let him "cut in line", and drain a must be drained brain abscess, (in a kid no less), so he could attend his mother's funeral reflected his assessment of our medical community's character, ethics, and humanity, after having worked with these people for 18 years. I think he may have been "conservative" in his assessment, but well within the ball park in his estimation of the probability of his request being denied. It's long accepted that in the field of medicine, personal birthdays mean nothing, holidays mean working harder and longer hours on the days that follow, and maternity leave starts when one is having contraction's every ten minutes...no reason to not work because your mother just died. And the funeral? Dead people don't need emergency surgery, so not valid reason to bump another surgeon's elective surgery.

Are the other professions like us? Or are we just more jaded about death and dying? Or just jaded, period?

Christmas Cards

Christmas has a new meaning for me now that I am a mother. It means...STRESS! Only now do I understand what people mean when they say they are "behind for Christmas", or that they are "not ready for Christmas". How hard can shopping for a few presents and putting up a Christmas tree be, some may wonder. Ignorance is Bliss.

Take Christmas cards for example. I use to just pick up a pleasing box from Borders while ambling around the mall, taking advantage of the extended Holiday hours. Now, I have to make them, while ordering Christmas presents on-line after midnight.

I gave up on the idea of a family picture. Getting threes toddlers to dress up in fancy outfits, sit still for the camera, and smile at the same time ages me. So this year, we have the kids with their Dad who can intimidate them more easily, and a collage of pictures taht took an hour to pick. Scott had to write the message because I had to go intubate some unfortunate soul.

Then there's the matter of sending the cards out. I really wanted to use nice labels and holiday stamps, so special trips to Office Depot and the post office were made. But, Leopard (Mac OS 10.5) failed me. Even though it was pretty easy to print out labels for the recipients, I could not print out a whole sheet of my own address, very strange. I guess I will be buying the Microsoft Office 2008 when it comes out. I ended up hand writing my own address on all the envelopes. Not pretty. My printer also broke as I get ready to print which necessitated a long phone call to HP technical support. After an hour, they decided to send me another printer. My printer is still under warranty, that's how new it is.

Maybe I will just do e-cards next year. With my luck, it will go straight to every one's Spam box.

Expedited Referrals

It all started with the rumor on The Rumor Queen that a certain US adoption agency gets faster referrals for their clients. Waiting parents are mad that people are "cutting in line", and are concerned about possible corruption in the China international adoption program. There are no conclusions yet on exactly what's going on. Some discussions regarding what constitute an ethical adoption followed, mostly about the role of the adoptive parents, adoption agencies and the governments involved. Little were mentioned about the adopted children or their birth parent. Then came the negativity toward expedited families of Chinese ancestry. It's just not fair that Chinese families get Chinese children faster. I find it perplexing that these outlooks are coming out of the same China adoptive parents (hopefully not the exact same people) who study blogs by Korean trans-racial adoptees. These are the same group of adoptive parents who express sympathy, empathy and understanding of the pain and suffering of the trans- racially adopted and vow to do better for their own trans- racially adopted children by enrolling them in Chinese schools and celebrate every Chinese holiday. How can they forget the sacred Adoption Triad so well described by those adopted? Let me remind my readers for the quiz after reading my blog, The Triad consists of The Child, The Birth Parents, and The Adoptive Parents...but did not include The Government (an oversight?). (This would make a good multi multiple choice question, the kind that you pick A,B,C,D, A and C, B and D, A B and C, and all of the above.)

I am not a big fan of the Korean trans-racial adoptive blogs. If nothing else, they don't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. In fact, reading them generates "negative emotions" toward trans- racial adoptions. Despite all the disclaimers by the authors that they are not bitter, resentful, and ungrateful, that's exactly how they come across. Ungrateful is fine, since being "ungrateful" is probably a sign of parent-child attachment, but bitter and resentful is harder for me to sympathise with....until recently, when I realize what their parents may be like and what their lives entail.

It comes across loud and clear in these blogs that the Korean trans- racial adoptees don't mind being adopted so much as being adopted by White Parents. The hierarchy of their preference is very clearly stated: 1.) Biologic parents, 2.) Domestic adoptive parents (citizens of their birth country), then grudgingly 3.) White Parents on a good day, but maybe The Institution on a bad day. The fact that they are not with #1 and #2 is the source of their angst and in my view not fair game for public debate, so I won't comment on it. It does not take too much imagination to infer that they would have probably preferred being adopted by Korean immigrants than white parents. In fact, I would presume to venture, that the mental image they have of their biologic parents are most likely based on that of the immigrant Korean families. The parents of their dreams most likely bear striking resemblances to their Korean classmates' parents. The White Parents seem to have a mental block with that reality. They are blocking this message out the same way and for the same reason that they are blocking out the message that morbid obesity is a life threatening condition, and homosexuality is not the familial norm. When choices are being made, the adoptive parents' desire to be parents always out weights the best interest of the child. But that's being human, and is necessary up to a certain point, for the sacrifices demanded of parenthood.

Raising children is not a particularly logical enterprise except in the context of specie survival. Were it not for the Desire to be Parents, we would all let our neighbors raise the next generation instead of ourselves. Therefore, the responsibility rests with the society/elected officials (The Government) to set limits so that the desire of the adoptive parents whilst acknowledged and respected, do not overwhelm the best interest of the child, hence The Haque. To that end the CCAA lets white families and Chinese families adopt, but has an expedited line for families of Chinese Heritage. To that end, there are restrictions based on BMI for adoptive parents, to that end there are income qualifications, and criminal record checks...it's not that hard to understand. By the way, I have never heard of Korean adoptees complain about their adoptive parent's weight or income, just about them being white...food for thought?

Some people are not happy that families of Chinese heritage are expedited. In my view these people should not adopt Chinese children. If they can not overlook their self interest enough to see that Chinese children prefer Chinese parents, then they would not understand the complex racial issues trans- racially adopted children will face. These parents are the ones that raise children who feel that they are experimental monkeys. After reading about the embittering experiences that trans- racial adoptees recounted and the blatant selfishness and racism expressed by some adoptive parents in the international adoptive community, I sometimes wish that China would refer their babies to Chinese families first, then consider the non Chinese families. But that kind of attitude does not contribute to world peace in the end, and I want a better world for my children and their children.

Being Chinese, I am pretty sure it was the White Adoptive Parent who first opened the door to international adoption and worked to make IA as corruption free as possible. They are also the ones adopting special needs babies and older children. As a population, the Chinese community still has (to put it kindly) reservations about adoption as a mean to build their own families. When I read blogs written by Chinese families about adoption, they most often talk about the disapproval they face within their own families, and the conflicts they face are quite painful and heartbreaking. These are blogs written in Chinese, a whole different genre of reading. (I don't have that problem by the way.)

Fortunately (Hopefully) for all of us, by striving to be prejudice free one small step at the time, these issues I vent about will become non-issues for our future generations. May all children born be loved and well cared for. Amen.